Well, it's taken me long enough...But I've decided that I'm gonna write a book about what happened to me as a way of getting it out of my system. Matt came up with the idea, and my parents think it's a good one.

So, that's it. I'm moving on...I'm writing my own book.

I've got everyone around me, I've got all the people I need to help me and to love me. So why do I feel so depressed? 

My phones being tempermental, it chooses when it's going to work and when it's not. One minute it'll recieve calls and texts, the next it won't. I became to frustrated with it, that I actually threw it at my wall. Okay, so that's not going to make it work, but it sure made me feel better...It's now in 3 pieces, I should probably fix it. 
If you ask anyone about me, I would hope they'd tell you that I'm not one to show my emotions. That I don't throw things around, that I don't shout at people. Well, yesterday was a clear example of one of these times where it all just becomes to much. 

I was just so depressed, I'm okay now. But I know it won't be long until I'm upset and feeling like rubbish. I mean, everything's just becoming to much lately. I've got coursework to do, I've got no friends around, and well life's just being difficult at the moment. Having my mum going on about my weight doesn't help anything either, I'm 9 and a half stone! What's wrong with that...But well, she's decided she wants me to be 10 stone minimum. Same as Matt. She got Matt on her side, and he wants me to gain a litlte more weight as well. Which is okay, but well. I'm just not really in the mood for eating. Which is generally not a good thing. 

Well, I should probably get on with some coursework. I have 37 minutes left, and I just can't be bothered. What did I do to deserve a life like this? What did I do to deserve Matt too? He's to good for me, but my life...well, my life's just a constant battle. And I know that one of these days, I'm just going to give in and end it...

I guess I never knew that life could become so difficult when it’d been so good. I mean part of me knew it was to much, that it wasn’t going to last…happiness never lasts long for me. I’d been happy for the past 3 weeks (roughly), life was great and everything felt AMAZING!

Now, now it feels like everything’s fallen apart. I find myself wondering if things can get any worse, but I know they can. I have to tell myself that things can always get worse. Always. But it’s so hard to look at things and think they’ll get better.

Matt came over tonight, and I was alright, all I wanted to do was spend time with him. Just chatting, just relaxing, without any stress from our family. He told me he had something to tell me, something “secret” that I wouldn’t like. It turns out that yet again, my past has come back to haunt me. It turns out a boy we know (Sam Hinton) decided to tell Matt’s sister that I slept with a guy called Jamie…I knew it’d come up sometime, that sometime, somehow it’d be talked about…But I never dreamed of it being like this. Never!

Matt’s sister decided to talk about it at the table when everyone was there eating their tea. So now Matt’s parents know…I feel so, so scared. I don’t want to loose him, but part of me thinks that’s what’s going to happen. They’re not going to want Matt going out with someone like me. And that upsets me so much. I love him, and I know I’ve made mistake, god I know that! But I don’t want to loose him, to loose him would destroy me…I’d have nothing left.

At the moment life seems difficult, life seems barely worth living. My dad isn’t making life easy. My friends aren’t there for me. Matt’s the only good thing I have. Please god, please! Don’t let me loose him…I don’t know what I’d do.

Who ever thought that around your family, around your cousins, around your aunts and uncles, you could ever feel truly alone…

I look at my cousins and I envy them, they’re all so pretty. No they’re not pretty, they’re beautiful. No matter what they’re wearing, or how they look, without make-up, they always look beautiful. Before I saw them for our reunion, I used to think that I wasn’t bad looking myself, I knew I wasn’t beautiful, but I knew I wasn’t ugly.

Now, now I just feel terrible. I look at them and I want to cry. I want to look as good as they do, they eat what they want, and never gain any weight. They’re tanned and well, they generally look great! I wish I was like that, I wish I was like them.

We went out for a Reunion dinner yesterday, and I was really chuffed with the dress I had to wear. It was such a nice dress, it’s black, knee length, no straps, just soft of stays up by itself, making a soft of heart shape pattern around my breasts when I wear it. Making them look good for a change. I was really happy I’d found this dress and that it fitted me, it was something that never really happens to me. And then I was in it, and I went downstairs and they were all ready looking gorgeous! I envy them; I know it’s not fair. But it’s all I can do! They had no make-up on, nothing to improve how they looked, yet each time they smiled one of their amazing, perfect white teethed smiles, I want to wretch. I want to cry. I want to run away and get as far from them as I can. I wanted to come home and smash/burn every picture of them in the house…I know it’s just jealousy. But I really don’t. I wish I wasn’t here, I just wish I was dead…I feel so miserable, and insecure just because their here. And what makes it worse, is that they know I feel like that. Yet they whisper and joke between each other, looking at me as they do it. And I just think, yeah, you laugh. That’s all everyone does…I get laughed at for trying to look nice, I get false compliments, false sympathy. I want to look like them, I want to look like I could be a model, I want to be a model. I want to have the opportunity to look like that, when I’m young. So young, and she looks like a model…I can’t stand it, I want them out, I want them away from me, I don’t want to be related to such beautiful girls when I know I’ll never look as good as they do. Never.

Beauty is for those who deserve it, I don’t deserve beauty, that’s why I’m ugly…That’s why I’m the way I am…

Well,  I got myself grounded again. Not for running away, or for hurting myself. But for hurting others around me, for hurting my parents. I could truly see how upset and disappointed they were in me...And I'd never really seen that in their faces. It was for something really rather innocent, but that I shouldn't have been doing.
    My parents had made a point of asking me and Matt to sit up on the sofa. To make sure we weren't lying down, or " lounging around all over each other " as they like to call it. But because I felt this was completely stupid, and unreasonable I didn't do anything about it. When mum came into the room and gave me THE look I'd turn away and ignore her. Well, one day she wouldn't take it anymore. She asked me to go into the Kitchen (when Matt was over) and help her set up food, I knew when she asked me, that I was in trouble. And so did Matt, as when I looked back he gave me an " Oh dear " look ".
     My mum and dad were both in the Kitchen, and they told me that I wasn't to be lying down on the sofa. And I just said, Ok, ok, I know, I know. Like I had done for the past 3 or 4 occassions. And then dad said, ok, well look at it as a new Ground Rule. Which I knew meant, that if I didn't pay attention to it, I'd soon become grounded. Well, its now obvious that I didn't pay attention to it...As I've been grounded for the last 4 days.

When mum actually grounded me, it completely threw me off guard. I walked back into the sitting room, sat at the end of the sofa (opposite Matt, yet away from him) and he knew something was up...Whenever he tried to get eye-contact with me, I looked away. It wasn't because I blamed him, I couldn't blame him, as it's not his fault at all. I was just so upset, because I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for a while. And that though made me want to cry. Because I love him so much...And it was all my fault. When me and Matt went into the Kitchen, he asked me if I was okay knowing I wasn't. And all I could do was say yes and ignore it...Until it came to Matt having to go home. My brother was driving us, so I told him when we dropped Matt off that I'd walk back (knowing that if I did that mum would be totally p***ed off, because I knew I was grounded). But I didn't care because I was angry.

So me and Matt were talking on his doorstep (because he'd left his keys at mine and no one was in) and so I told him about me being grounded. Which was a mistake, because he felt bad about it. After we'd been sat there for about an hour, we walked back to mine (the time now being 9:30). I went inside to get the keys and mum asked me why I was late and where I'd been, to that I just said " out, with Matt " and walked out of the room. She followed me and decided to completely embaress me infront of Matt, by saying that when I'm grounded that means coming straight home and now seeing my friends. Then she said that I'd been very rude (which I hadn't meant) and that Matt had to go. This reduced me to tears, infront of Matt. I turned around to face him, trying so, so hard not to let the tears out and to not let him see me like this. But it didn't work. I hugged him and fought back the tears for aslong as I could, but when I had to say goodbye, I just cried...I closed the door, ran to my room and remained there for the rest of the evening crying, wishing Matt was there holding me and telling me it was okay.

Well now I can see him in 2 days, I've been all weekend and the remanding of the last week. And now some of the next week, and then I can be held by him. And I'm so glad...I just wish time would speed up, because I miss him SO much!!!

Well, if you've been reading my journal, you'll see how I've had stages in my life (just like everyone else) where I've found living to be really quite pointless. And that all I've wanted to do is STOP living. But I've come to realise, that that's not what life's about...
       Life's all about learning-

•  learning to get on with those around you
• learning to get through life
• learning to get through the hard things in life
• learning how to cope with loss
• and most importantly, learning not to give up

To be able to get through life, you need to not give in, you need to battle your way through, and know that there's something to live for. I know that after all that I've been through, I can get through anything...However hard it may be, I can do it. 
Many a time I've found myself wishing I was dead, but each time I've come out thanking God I didn't kill myself. That's how I feel right now, for the last few months, I'd been feeling terrible. All I wanted to do was die. But I stuck with it, I got through it, to find myself happy, and living life to the full. No matter how much coursework I get, or what each day throughs at me, I know I can get through it all! And come out, feeling refreshed and ready for anything!! It's just an amazing feeling, to get through something and literally feel all the baggage dropping off you. It's so worth it. 

This is where Child Line helped me. Before Child Line I didn't know what to do. And everytime I'd found myself depressed and suicidal, I would dial Child Lines number (0800 1111) and would let it ring and ring and ring and ring until either someone picked up and I hung up. Or until I realised I just couldn't talk to anyone. Then one day, I found out that you didn't have to talk to them. That you could write to them instead!! It was like a dream come true, I could get the help I needed by simply writing to someone and asking them for help. I could explain the situations I've been in, and how they've affected me without feeling it all when I'm talking to them about it...It was a miracle! And it worked so much.

I've come through yet another rough patch in life, knowing that Child Lines there for me, and that I don't need to go it alone...I also know I've got my family and friends around me, even though it may not seem like it, I can count on them all to be there for me! 
      So here's my piece of wisdom for all those who're going through a hard time....

You're never on your own...You always have someone. Don't give up on life, because when you get through the rough patches that everyone has, it's such an amazing feeling that you'll be glad you didn't give up...Don't give up, nothings worth your life.

 I really don't know how to take things now...I find myself pushing those I care for away from me, leaving me with no one and I can't do anything to stop it....

As you would have read in previous entries, I've been feeling well, pretty low. And I thought I'd come through that, I really thought I had. But well, I saw Matt today, I thought to myself " I can be his friend, it doesn't matter about anything that happened in the past" but well...then I was looking at his phone.  And I saw pictures of his ex-girlfriend (they'd split up). And well, it shut me down. It made me want to cry. I guess in my heart I'd hoped that when he said to me he'd made a mistake getting with her, that we could get together again. Even though I'd told myself that I don't want love in my life anymore, I found myself returning the flirting today. And it felt good....until I knew that he wasn't over Teresa. That he was just using me as a good time, and that the flirting was probably fake...Because he still felt something strong for Teresa. And that tore me apart even more, I wanted to shout at him, storm up to my room and cry...Cry my eyes out! My heart hurt(s) so much, and I can't cope with it anymore...

I want to have answers, I need answers...Who am I? Where do I belong? Will I ever be happy again? Will my life be a constant misery? Should I just end it all now....?

I wish I could just end it all now...I wish I could just end it all right here, right now....